{"id":23,"date":"2006-04-11T12:37:29","date_gmt":"2006-04-11T19:37:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/?p=23"},"modified":"2006-04-11T12:37:29","modified_gmt":"2006-04-11T19:37:29","slug":"some-buttrockers-cant-look-good-with-just-a-microphone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/?p=23","title":{"rendered":"Some Buttrockers Can’t Look Good with Just a Microphone"},"content":{"rendered":"
This topic is long overdue, and for that I apologize.\u00a0 Still, I feel compelled to expose the fact that some butt-rock front men\u00a0just can\u2019t look cool with\u00a0only a microphone.\u00a0\u00a0The\u00a0easiest way to avoid\u00a0looking like the dork is to have additional talents,\u00a0such as being able to play the guitar.\u00a0 Metallica front man, James Hetfield,\u00a0never looked like a turd, nor did Dave Mustaine of Megadeth.\u00a0 Paul Stanley, while looking lame at a variety of different times for a variety of different reasons, always had the guitar as a cruch (even if he was playing rhythm most of the time).\u00a0<\/div>\n
But what if you couldn\u2019t play the guitar?\u00a0 In that case, you would have to\u00a0count on being really damn cool.\u00a0 Ozzy Osbourne for example.\u00a0 He\u2019ll be getting his robe stuck in his wheel chair before he stops looking like the lord of the stage.\u00a0 Or take Axel Rose (before he went nuts).\u00a0 Way too cool to be\u00a0mocked and his snake-like dance moves drove the point home.\u00a0\u00a0If you can\u2019t be\u00a0Axel\u00a0cool, you have to be\u00a0so appealing that the ladies\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0notice\u00a0twirling the mic stand is your only talent and the guys can\u2019t risk\u00a0making fun of you\u00a0for fear of\u00a0being outcast by the ladies.\u00a0 Case in point, Vince Neil, John Bon Jovi\u00a0and Bret Michaels.\u00a0 When chicks dig you that much, the guys have to fall in line\u00a0or they\u2019re going home alone.\u00a0 If you\u2019re ugly, then you better rely on theatrics.\u00a0 Dee Snyder understood this one all too well.\u00a0 As soon as the guitar solo hits, you better be chomping on a giant bone or swinging a switch blade in a choreographed knife fight, otherwise, you\u2019ll just be\u00a0standing around in make up.\u00a0\u00a0If make-up isn\u2019t your style, you better look to props.\u00a0 Ask Rob Halford as he\u2019s rolling across the stage\u00a0on a motorcycle.\u00a0 If Halford\u2019s approach\u00a0is a bit subtle for you, take a lesson from Ronnie James Dio.\u00a0 Pull out\u00a0a broad sword and battle the dragon\u00a0until you cut out his\u00a0Sacred Heart.\u00a0<\/div>\n
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So, with all these\u00a0examples of how to look cool with only a microphone in your arsenal\u2026 what can go wrong?\u00a0 Plenty, I assure you.\u00a0 Let\u2019s start with Don Dokken.\u00a0 That guy couldn\u2019t look cool if he single-handedly took down every last dream warrior.\u00a0 Or there is Joey Tempest of Europe, who can\u2019t even keep an imaginary tune playing air guitar\u00a0on a microphone wire.\u00a0 Jani Lane of Warrant\u00a0could have been just a subtle dumb ass, but then he\u00a0decided to compensate by adding in synchronized dance moves\u2026 which sealed his fate as a super dumb ass.\u00a0<\/div>\n
To summarize, if you are starting out as a vocalist in a buttrock band, I encourage you to learn from what you\u2019ve just read.\u00a0 Be sure that you are able to eloquently withstand a lengthy guitar solo without bringing your career to a screeching halt.\u00a0 Also, be sure to let your guitarists come over and sing into your microphone now and then\u2026 it just might buy you a couple rounds of fingering\u00a0his fret board during a power chord\u2026 and that my friend, may just get you through.<\/div>\n
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This topic is long overdue, and for that I apologize.\u00a0 Still, I feel compelled to expose the fact that some butt-rock front men\u00a0just can\u2019t look cool with\u00a0only a microphone.\u00a0\u00a0The\u00a0easiest way to avoid\u00a0looking like the dork is to have additional talents,\u00a0such as being able to play the guitar.\u00a0 Metallica front man, James Hetfield,\u00a0never looked like a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-music"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=23"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=23"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=23"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.crapmonkey.com\/podcast\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=23"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}